Domestic Violence and the Human Psyche

Even though I have grown up surrounded by women who define women empowerment, I and many other women have been subjected to domestic violence, whether physical or emotional.

Wikipedia defines Domestic Violence as :

Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, or intimate partner violence) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.

Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors in some legal systems, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.

I have a different definition of it.

When a person has absolutely zero respect for you, your family and friends and has serious emotional problems, they indulge in a little "violence therapy" to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately domestic violence isn’t domestic violence unless committed by someone you know and are considerably close to. Everyone cringes when they watch a movie which shows domestic violence in all its gross glory. Zeenat Aman went through years of domestic violence from her then husband Sanjay Khan. Aishwarya Rai tried to bring domestic violence to light in "Provoked", Jennifer Lopez in "Enough" and I am sure everyone must have at least seen the picture of a battered Rihanna that hit the news recently.

So why does a person endure such torture and still stay?

I am sure everyone has different reasons ranging from children, financials and then there are the other kinds. The ones who just don’t know any better, like me.

I went through an incident of domestic violence 6 years ago. I had just started a relationship with an extremely good looking, suave guy in my office. All was good for the first two months. We had our fights but nothing extraordinary till one day I was too tired and walked away from a fight with him. I went to the terrace of my office to have my last smoke of the day. It was quiet ’cause everyone had left except for a few people in the next door cafeteria. I saw him walk out of the cafeteria and on to the terrace. He walked towards me and without warning, hit me so hard on my face that I saw stars. He hit me a couple of more times, abused me and before I could react walked away confidently with me on the ground, trembling and cowering. It didn’t end there. Two seconds after he walked away, I felt something warm and liquid-y in my mouth. I felt my face and realised it was covered in blood. It was like a tap had been turned on in my nose. The blood just wouldn’t stop.

I knew I needed help, so I somehow got up and walked into the cafeteria. I looked so bad, a woman fainted the moment she saw me. I was rushed to the hospital where I found out the bastard had hit me so hard, it broke a ligament in my nose. I still have problems breathing through one nostril and I need to get surgery done in order to correct it.

I didn’t stay in the hospital. I went back to office. I walked right up to the guy, stood in front of him and smiled. There was no way I was going to show that he had broken me.

I stayed in that office and faced him with my head held high, till one day the guy got thrown out because he propositioned another girl to spend a night with him for some rupees. He got beaten up by the girls friends when he was leaving office. Karma at its best!

But for some reason, I never told anyone in office what had actually happened. I just told them I fell. And I will forever curse myself for it. I just couldn’t bring it up. I thought it would make me look weak. I know better now.

Whoever faces domestic violence has to hit their own low point to realise that they have to get out. Its an addiction. People who perform these hideous acts, are always so loving and caring and look so guilt ridden afterwards that if you love them you always end up giving them another chance. One of my friends was in a violence-ridden marriage for 10 years. She used to come with bruises on her arm from where he held her and shook her till she almost fainted. She always used to say that her husband was so guilt ridden after he beat her up that she thought there was no way he would do it again. And after some time, she just got used to it. It took her 10 years and another man, who loved her tremendously, to get away and file for divorce.

And, I am not saying domestic violence is restricted to men against women. It can be any form of torture, women to women and even women to men. And its just not right.

I loved the 2008 public service campaign called "Bell Bajao!" encouraging people to stop violence by ringing the doorbell where the act was being committed.

I don’t think there is any cure for this and no matter how much the law tries to prevent it, its not going to help. And in any case, if a person just doesn’t do it for the fear of being thrown in jail, it not really worth it, is it? Its the psyche of people that needs to be changed and the only way to do that is by education and awareness.

This post is my part in spreading the light.

Tagged domestic violence, Law

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