And Now, You May Kick the Bride

Most of us skim over an occasional report in a newspaper or hear it mentioned once in a while on TV, but we don’t know what really goes on in dowry-related cases. Once in a blue moon, a dowry case is highlighted by the media but what with the skin-deep journalism we are accustommed to, they don’t even follow up on the case, let alone get to the crux of the issue. I remember attending seminars on the issue in JMC and hearing girls from our college argue in favour of dowry and make all kinds of excuses for it. Dowry has become an all-pervasive phenomenon, cutting across the north-south, rural-urban and even religious divides.

A close family friend, a single mother raising her son independently, has been fighting a case against torture for over a year now. This was her second marriage and her husband is also a divorcee. Their son is now eight years old. I have managed to obtain a part of the FIR she filed. I am reproducing it here, with her permission, although the names and addresses have been changed :

1. Ever since my marriage, my in-laws started pressurising one to bring more and more dowry (though lot was given at the time of the marriage and even after that).

2. Started ill-treating me by finding faults with my way of eating, talking, walking, dressing, cooking etc. and scolding me and abusing one throughout the day. Humiliating me by asking the servant to hold a mirror in front of me to show me how badly I eat. Reduced my intake of food saying that you have to become very slim and trim to match their son. One small katori of rice in the morning and one roti for dinner. I used to feel very weak as I had already conceived by then and had to do all the household work like cleaning the utensils, mopping and dusting, cooking, cleaning of fans, windows, doors, washing of clothes etc.

3. Mother-in-law and sister-in-law used to get their body massaged every night till 2 a.m. I used to do these following things for the mother-in-law – pedicure, manicure, ironing of clothes, going to the market to get vegetables, cleaning the bathrooms etc.

4. I was not allowed to use the washing machine and was asked to wash my clothes outside. To even ring up my parents I had to literally beg my mother-in-law to give me permission.

5. There was repeated pressure from all of them to leave my job at XYZ. They said that they got their son married so that I could do all household work and no money had to be spent on maids.

6. I conceived within a year of my marriage but my mother-in-law abused me for becoming pregnant. She never wanted me to give birth to my son and wanted me to abort him. I was tortured mentally and physically everyday by my mother and sister in-law. Even my husband was not cordial to me, he used to say that ‘if you please my mother, you will get love from me’. But it was so difficult to please them all for me as they had already decided not to accept me. I toiled day and night to, atleast, see some humane behaviour from them and my health started going down. Everything was kept under lock and key in the kitchen. On asking permission from my mother-in-law, she used to take it out for me to cook. She only allowed me to take 2 rotis to XYZ for lunch when I was pregnant. Stale sabzi was given to me and I was not given milk, juices or any other supplements. Whatever tiffin I took had to be first shown to her and then packed. My husband and sister-in-law were all party to it.

7. In order to avoid the expenses of the delivery they sent me to my parents a few days before my due date. The delivery expenses were borne completely by my parents.

8. The apathy and callous attitude of my husband and in-laws was evident when they absconded and were not traceable when I was in an advanced labour stage and about to deliver. After delivery when I enquired from my husband’s office, I came to know that he had proceeded on a vacation to a hill-station.

9. After I came back from my parent’s house with my son (within one month of my delivery), ill-treatment towards me increased. My morning duties used to start from 6 a.m. and they made sure that I don’t sit even for a single minute. I used to work till 1 a.m. in the night.

10. Even on the first ceremonial function held at my parent’s house for my son, they were conspicuous by their absence.

11. My husband used to chat on the internet behind closed doors till late at night. I enquired about this and he responded with a tight slap telling me to mind my own business.

12. All my ornaments were taken by my in-laws on the pretext of safekeeping. My requests for a few of them on various occasions like marriages fell on deaf ears and male excuses like loss of locker keys etc. were given.

13. They always kept a vigil on fraternising with the neighbours.

14. I was taken to task and ridiculed on flimsy pretexts. My sister-in-law’s in-laws were quoted by my husband saying someone related to my family had tried to breakup her marriage and I was beaten for that. Later on it was revealed that her in-laws never alleged this.

15. On 5th May, 1998 acting on a grievance aired by my mother-in-law against me to him, my husband beat me in front of my son who watched helplessly. It was after this incident that I was compelled to leave for my parental home.

16. Even our common relatives castigated my in-laws for their behaviour due to which they became more peeved and venomous.

17. My husband deliberately did not disclose the name of his son’s mother at ABC school which clearly shows that he was planning to oust me from his life and household all throughout.

18. In April ’04 I met with an accident and fractured my ribs. I was hospitalised and bed-ridden for a month but my husband, his mother and sister never cared to even enquire on the phone regarding my plight. Soon after recuperating, I was forced to mop the floor at their house by my mother-in-law despite the doctor’s advice to the contrary.

19. I was not allowed to use the phone. Prior permission had to be begged for, for calling. When I brought a phone and paid Rs. 3000 as well as 12 post-dated cheques of Rs. 1800 each, my husband took it from me and is still using it and I am paying the bills. He didn’t pay any heed to repeated requests to change the subscription to his name. Now that I am unemployed, I’m not in a position to pay anymore bills for the phone being used by my husband.

20. At XYZ police station, the first wife of my husband had also lodged a complaint in September 1991 for ill-treatment and torture which goes to prove that he and his family are in the habit of demonic behaviour.

This man was supposed to pay her Rs. 10,000 as child support every month. He has not paid up for the past eight months and she recently registered a case against him in order to get the payment. The officer on duty was surprisingly helpful and admitted that he has dealt with thousands of such cases.

She has been grappling with her role as an ‘ideal Indian wife’ on the one hand and her self respect and dignity on the other. Looking at these cases, one realises that it is not only the husband and in-laws who are at fault but also the women who put up with it simply because it is expected of them. Pressure is applied from all quarters, even from one’s own family, to bear this violence, and a culture of silence has become prevalent amongst Indian women. Be it dowry, rape or female foeticide, these are symptoms and not the disease. We need to question the entire order, every aspect of our lives, the whole system which is geared to serve one gender alone. Instead of seeing the gender problem as a separate one, we must realise that this imbalance tints the way we look at life and other issues. Women need to realise that they have the right to control their bodies and destinies, and demand change – from their families, the society and the polity.

Tagged domestic violence, gender, Law, sexuality

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