The Mathematics of Domestic Violence
I was going through the story of a friend of mine whose sister is facing domestic violence. It has been 3 years since her marriage and the violence began just 3 months after the marriage. Coincidentally, he shared this story with me soon after I had finished reading a paper on the relation of dowry and domestic violence. This story was a real life example in front of me which proves that dowry leads to domestic violence post-marriage.
She belongs to a well-educated family, and is herself very highly educated. She is a gazetted officer – a lecturer in a university. My friend informs me that she is being continuously threatened by her husband with divorce. She does all the household work before going to the university, and resumes the remaining work after her hectic schedule in the university, trying to give her best at everything. Yet, she is being nagged for something or the other, and is threatened to be divorced. They also repeatedly forced her to leave the house. But being an educated girl she has so far not succumbed to these threats. There is a Domestic Violence Act 2006 to save her. But mental stress for her and her parents is natural.
I wonder what could be the potential reason for such behavior against a well educated, beautiful, caring girl such as her. I asked my friend immediately “Was dowry offered during the marriage?” He said, “Yes. In fact a lot of negotiations and demands happened at the time of wedding and many things including a car were demanded in dowry”. This was the catch mentioned in the research paper!
The time the negotiations for dowry starts or dowry is specifically ‘demanded’ from the girl’s parents, and when the girl’s parents start agreeing to those demands, it is precisely then that the seeds of domestic violence are planted. There is a thing called self-respect in the human civilization. But in the modern Indus-Valley civilization, putting that self-respect in the feet of the potential groom’s father is called ‘humility because of being a girl’s father.’ Ironically, the more money the girl’s father shows and the more demands he is ready to fulfill, the more he thinks his respect will grow in the society.
So, once the ‘negotiations’ for the sale of the boy start, the value of the girl starts going down with each demand agreed-to. Thinking logically, this is natural – it is the eternal rule of business. The more there is demand of a product, the more the price will be. Here the product being sold is the groom. And the more prices the customer is ready to pay for it, the more the shopkeeper will keep quoting – you have to be emotionless if you are businessman. Else you will fail – another rule of business.
Once it has been established that the self-respect of the bride’s father is rested upon the feet of the groom’s father, and once the value of the bride is degraded, and that of the groom’s increased during dowry negotiations, anyone with the slightest idea of business can predict how the bride and her family members would be treated post-marriage!
Do not agree to those demands, and do not send your daughter or sister to such a jail. Find another boy for her before it gets too late!
Tagged culture, domestic violence, respect
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MadhupSeptember 26, 2009 at 7:01 pm
if the girl is being aske dfor divorce, why is she still put up? shows that girl is making up a false dowry case on husband.. why do girls not punish such criminals? why not?
just they have to call 100 and lodge a police complaint… why not?
yodhaSeptember 26, 2009 at 7:57 pm
>>She belongs to a well-educated family, and is herself very highly educated. She is a gazetted officer – a lecturer in a university.
Why did she accede to marriage when there were ‘negotiations’ of dowry before marriage. Does she have no self-respect, after having being highly-educated and financially independent too ?
>>Once it has been established that the self-respect of the bride’s father is rested upon the feet of the groom’s father, ….
The bride and groom have to take decision about their own marriage. And stop being treated like kids forever under ‘benign’ eye of parents.
AnonymousSeptember 26, 2009 at 8:28 pm
So True . The Real culprits who take dowry should be punished . at the same time the people who gave dowry should be taken to task ( because if the giver does not agree the other party cannot forcibly take any dowry ) .
Some Possible solutions could be :
1) Girls parents should transfer her share in her paternal property before marriage ( equal share between all the siblings , irrespective of boys or girls ) .
2) Another option which comes to my mind is Swayamvar ( where the girl chooses her own spouse ( everybody will know what they are getting into ) .
http://want2change.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/swayamvar-girl-chooses-her-hubby/
http://want2change.wordpress.com/2009/09/21/dowry-free-india-in-4-years/
Thanks
Want Change
NiladriSeptember 27, 2009 at 6:45 am
A very well written article.
I have also a similar experience. Here the wife of the educated husband is constantly abusing the hubby and threatening of a false DV in case Lakhs of Rs are not transferred in the wife’s name. She is contstantly forcing the hubby to throw her old in laws out of her house.
The hubby has also taken videos of him getting thrashed and kicked by her wife.
What protection can the husband get from the court so that he does not face violence from his wife. Recently a major TV channel has aired the video of the hubby getting kicked by his wife and concluded that the hubby will always get kicked as their is no law in our country to protect himslef from Domestic Violence.
Is it true?
Thanks
subhalaxmi mohantySeptember 29, 2009 at 9:05 am
I have dealt with around 200 cases of domestic violence in marital sphere. What i have realized that the very patriach attitude is the root cause of various kinds of domestic violence.
NishaOctober 21, 2009 at 7:52 am
The only way to change all this lies in the hands of women, who herself is facing and is being tortured…
Now the time has really come to wake up n fight…. and make a difference…
One out of 10 Fathers can fulfill the demands but what anout the other 9.
So girls , womens, ladies pls wake up and fight against this kind of behaviour
TupurOctober 28, 2009 at 9:05 am
Niladri, you must congratulate your friend for being able to actual film himself getting beaten by his wife. Infact he should sell this to some reality TV show and make some cash. So what exactly is stopping him from taking this piece of genius film to the cops? Oh wait, does he think we are matriarchal society, where the police is unable to take any action against women? Poor delusional chap. Are you sure he isn’t schizophrenic?
MushroomDecember 14, 2009 at 4:08 pm
People who follow like sheep end up like sheep – have courage to move away from traditional thinking; eg there’s no shame divoicing your partner if he/she behave like a yeti towards you – don’t put up with it; don’t be a ‘hero’ be happy!