On the question of sex with false promise of marriage – victim speaks to us directly

April 19, 2010adminblog15

Photo courtsey, The Hindu

Editor’s Note: This personal account was submitted to us by an anonymous reader who signed herself as DJ24. She writes about her personal story and seeks some answers from the readers of this blog. Please read on and help her with your thoughts. Some basic editing and spelling and grammar check has been carried on by blog editor.

A related News on this matter here

A related previously published article on this matter here

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This guy gave me false promise of marriage and for almost 3 years he used me emotionally, physically and financially. From day one even before commitment I told him about my past that I’m a widow and have a daughter of 17 years old so there might be complications later and I am not in stage to take any kind of stress.

But still the guy forwarded his hand towards me. To gain more of my trust he took me to his parents and told them as well that he was willing to marry me. His parents without knowing or questioning me agreed to it and blessed me and told me not to leave their son. They gave me so much of love, care and respect that I was really happy and even my daughter was happy about it.

We used to often go for lunch and dinner and lots of shopping but all the bills were always paid by me. I started taking care of every body’s needs in the guy’s family, I gave them expensive gifts in occasions as I considered just as my family.

The guy wanted some time to get a nice job and settle down in his career before we could marry. He was not satisfied with his job so he was forever in search of a better job. In just one year he changed 3 jobs. Seeing him in trouble and stress I never felt like bothering him with other finances and focused on working hard for our future.

I was earning pretty well so whatever his family needed I use to get them and I was supporting him even with his past dues like car loan instalments, personal loans and his credit card bills so that his his dues were clear. I decided to not involve my family until all this was clear. I also didn’t involve my parents because I knew they will be against the relationship as he was a Muslim and me a Punjabi girl, moreover I’m mature enough to take my life’s decisions.

Years passed by but he was never satisfied with his jobs, eventually I started asking him about marriage. His words were same as always, that he wants to settle down first. I started to worry and my health was also falling. I stopped giving him and his family financial support to check what was the real deal about.

Needless to say, they changed drastically. He denied to get married and his parents told me on my face very bluntly that he is not prepared for marriage, they said, “Its not you but he doesn’t want to marry anyone.”

I was shocked and shattered I was suffering so much and even my daughter was totally broke. I got a case registered against him and his family for false promises of marriage and on the guy for rape. Now it has been a month that he is in prison and in a month they applied for bail twice in Delhi District Court Patiala House which was dismissed.

They deny a marriage on the grounds that I am not able to manage time between him and my office.

Along with the guy his parents were also a part of this game. They must have told their son to get a girl who has money so that she can fulfill all their requirements financially and satisfy him physically and when he will get bored he could throw the girl you out and wait for the next victim. His mother told me 1st day not to leave her son because in the past two female have dumped him and he was very much hurt. She forgot to mention that when their son wants to leave then I must move away.

My question is, is there no law for these kind of parents who play these games hurt a girl’s emotions. They are just like pimps, what punishment is to be given to such parents? And I want to know what can be the result in this type of cases?

He had a good time with me with no intention of getting married. After using me for 3 years he suddenly started looking for a virgin sati savitri type female to get married, after 3 years he changed his mind, not me, then why should only I suffer alone?

I really want to know the views of this blog’s readers, through their comments on my situation – this false promises of marriage by men who are so frustrated for sex and have no fear in giving false commitment and keeping a girl in dark and pretend as future husband and later talking badly about her character in court room to save himself – What should be done to them?

15 Comments

NavrangApril 19, 2010 at 11:34 amReply

This is really unfortunate & definitely an intensional one [according to whatever has been posted here].

You really can’t cure these kind of people, now law being in place, you should be blunt enough to sue them till they get punished for their misdead.

I guess people closely involved with “Bell Bajao” will defnitely be right person to suggest what else can be done apart from law taking it’s own course [which is mostly delayed].

The best thing you can do is Not let him repeat the same with any other one.

Regards
Navrang
http://navrangblog.blogspot.com
ShanApril 19, 2010 at 11:35 amReply

It’s difficult to comment on this in any manner other than agreement with the writer without being considered sexist. However, I’ll give it a try.

First, taking the circumstances narrated by the lady at face value, it is clear that she’s been had by a cad who exploited her vulnerabilities and then decided to ditch her when push came to shove. I feel sorry for her, and can understand her bitterness and pain. The guy was a cheat and should be punished for taking her money under false pretenses.

But question really is – should he be promised for making promises of marriage and backing out? Can a promise of marriage be enforceable by law?

Here’s we are on murkier ground. The logical answer is – no. Relationships break for a multitude of reasons, and some after many years. They break even after marriage. We cannot pretend to be able to classify reasons for ends in relationships as legit/illegit and the protagonists as good/bad in the empirical sense. It’s just not possible. People fall out of love – both men and women. Sometimes the spark is gone, sometimes the sex is bad. Sometimes the reason’s not even tangible. But people have the right to reevaluate whether they want to spend the rest of their lives with the other at any time. And this applies to both sexes. Once a relationship ends – one party should not be able to hold the other to a promise made at an earlier time when the personal equations between the two were different.

I do understand that in reality this means that women (and men) cheated in love have little legal recourse, but falling out of love is not a crime and forcibly getting married to someone who does not love you any more is not a recourse.

The best way is to treat relationships like a buyer – caveat emptor.
MeghaApril 19, 2010 at 3:40 pmReply

Hi

I guess what happened to you is not a very rare phenomenon, sad but true. Young girls are duped into sexual relationships, then financial stress after being promised marriage. The law has earlier too said that having sex with a woman after promising her marriage is rape. At the same time i have some things to say for you and other readers:
1. You have to know what you want in life, though relationships are pertinent try and define how far can you go for one.
2. Remember as women you have a body history mechanism and a emotional history mechanism- dont fall for a relationship because it was working out so wonderful so fast.
3. See the early signs of problems and DONOT go into emotional gimmicks of “he needs time” or “its ok hes stressed” etc. Violation happens because the other person knows that he/she has played the relationship card well.
4. Know what you want and demand for it. Its easy to have relationships today which have no menation of marriage etc but if thats what you want then ASK FOR IT. Its your right to ask for what you want in a relationship.
5. Dont let ridiculous “normal -usual-patterns” define your take on relationships. Abuse happens when YOU feel it has happened. dont allow patterns to develop because thats how it works elsewhere.

Always remember file a complaint when you have been abused because the law is what we make of it and changes accordingly.

Megha
SoniaApril 21, 2010 at 12:19 amReply

Of course we should not have sex if we know that we are not going to marry.
DJ RADZApril 22, 2010 at 8:50 amReply

DJ RADZ>>>>working as a DISC JOKEY but since the guy became very abusive from last 6months when he was with me I was so unwell and was hospitalized2 just because of him and his parents I was unable to take their changes it was a big shock for me I was in trauma mentally and physically it was like I have been paralyzed and initially when we met I told him in clear words that I don’t want to get into relationship because I don’t want to get hurt myself and my past have been very hurting won’t be able to take it anymore he use to visit my club everyday my job is to play music and its PR also I use to do private parties also for extra income I made lots of friends but maintained my respect and reputation at my work place and i never disclosed my past personal matters to anyone not even my age as im a DJ i know what to and how to maintain and how to make my club moving i always had classy attitude. He failed to get me and I wasn’t aware of this new tricks just to get a girl on bed he can give false promises for marriage and he involved his parents along. How modern I may be but introducing parents with these words that I want to marry her and parents approved with promises and treated me as there daughter-in-law and telling me not 2leave him on the way or ditch him and giving blessings to both of us and calling friends and relatives and introducing me as there daughter-in-law and their son future wife was a big thing for me the things were not just between him and his family 100 of people knows from my side and even common friends.In my complaint parents names were mentioned but Why not took action against parents? ???as the guy wanted approval stamp for our relation from his parents and his mom was the one who use to beg me not2 leave his son and she was the one who told me to leave and find some1 else and get married after years till the time i was spending on whole family and fulfilling there demands i was too good for them and when i stopped the money part and was of no use to them they threw me out.i was doing just because i was thinking im a part of that family and there problems means my problem so how can i tolerate all this.
DJ RADZApril 22, 2010 at 10:06 amReply

im 39 and he is 31 the law now says making physical relation by giving false promises of marriage the fact here was the guy had no intention to marry me where the concern was given under a misconception of fact nullifying the efficacy of the nod i did go for counseling for almost a month my case was not registered he and his parents were also called for counseling they denied for everything they themself was so confused, guy said i am ready to marry in ngo and in police station aswel but that was just part of there game so that i take my complaint back if he really wanted to marry me, he would never had spoken negative for me he lost his own value n respect and mine 2 and in case he was serious abt getting married to me he would have come to me would have spoken to me but he ran away not a single call they were in wrong hands actually who was guiding them in that waz he use to only come wen he was called for counceling and never tried to speak wid me directly and saying everytime where ever he was called by police or in NGO i am ready to marry her and just leaving the place he vanishes i m nt a kid dat cant c wats going on and calling relatives,and friends and discussing taking there opinion he wsnt insulting me he was loosing his own respect and as i was listening to him and his parents words denying the facts i was not breaking they were making me more strong actually just keeping this in mind how people can change i gave him many chances but seeing so many changes was changing my mind till the last day wen the case got registered i had a word wid him but he was just in misconception that even today he was called for counseling in dat whole month he and his family were so busy in gathering there friends and relatives and discussing and taking opinion and getting influenced by listening to them they could have done a better lawyer rather then so much of public i am alone and till now have not told any of my friends or any1 because i was serious about marriage and never wanted to insult him and never wanted him to feel low his insult means my insult so i never spoke bad about him at all keeping the future in my mind and till now no1 knows about it,but they never stopped speaking bad about me but good thing is they are making me more and more strong I never wanted dis to happen but till now when he is behind DA bar and still not using their own mind will worsen the things more like till now any was whatever happened is really bad, GIVE LOVE, TAKE LOVE, GIVE PAIN BUT LEARN TO TAKE PAIN AS-WELL THAT;S WAT I THINK NOW.
Once i guess 6to7 years back i was with wrong company of girls wasn’t aware of there work and they were tenants-at my house and just because of them i was in big time trouble as they were whores i was in Canada and gave my house on rent to working girls when i came back came to know about their activities and told them to leave the house as soon as possible but 1nce we were going for shopping person from C.B.I stopped the car my daughter was also along as she had to leave for her boarding school early next day i got really scared but they took large amount from me and set us free but next day i came to know they have registered the case against me and those 2girls and took money for leaving us clean it was again a big shock of my life any how i those 2girls vanished and since then the case is still on and i have to appear all alone on dates just because those girls gave my address and ran away i never had and never knew about the laws by that time not even an ABC of it .But if i would been wrong somewhere i think i would not had the courage to take any action against them now as far i am fighting for this case of mine the guy family came to know about this case of mine which is still on from last 7years but
I have so many questions in my mind >> i cant give my explanation about it every time to prove myself that i wasn’t into prostitution so i was just thinking even if i was into something why allow to speak dirty and false words in the court room from the accused side? I mean to save accused his lawyer can use any word on the girl character whatever she had been in before maybe a prostitution or whatever and she wants to be in good company and get respect and leave her past behind and wants to get married settle down so why bring things from her past life and show as a evidence to save the guy and to prove that the girl has loose character and put her moral down and breaks her n reminds her again everything which she already left or got out of dirt why go so deep into her past? Do you think anybody would marry her?Don’t you think It is simple way to demoralize the girl,in this way no other girl who had been into prostitution or anything in her past which she leaves far behind and wants to lead good life, in future will stop taking action against guys just because of her past activities and guys who are aware of her past can just misuse and can ruin her life and can easily give her promises for marriage without intention and hesitation later when he denies he has a chance to blame the girl on her character do you think this should be stopped? The guys who gives false promises of marriage to a girl and later denies I think the time period she had been with the guy as in 2years or 3years whatever only that period of a time should be get investigated not that digging deep into her past that is making easy target for guys to misuse girls PHYSICALLY,EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY.???
DJ RADZApril 22, 2010 at 11:17 amReply

DJ RADZ >>>if her past doesn’t leave her, she is shattered when the guy she took as her future husband who had no intention of getting married to her and was just using her physically and emotionally and financially then she is again shattered when the same guy tries to save himself speaks dirt about her character or dig out something from her past which she left far behind long back and was leading gud life i think its not justice to a girl.The guy mind got changed not her so why she has to suffer so much every time everywhere ? Why she has to go through mental trauma in every way ??OR is it ?that guys are allowed to rape a prostitute its not me talking about myself individually
I am 2strong and what ever they may say to let me down or use false sh*t words the more they say the more strong they making me,and the situation really changes you within in when 1st bail application was applied i was nervous and yes was not prepared for the words they were using for me but now i do get nervous but i know that i have to fight so have to face lots of things coming my way i will not get back or withdraw, moreover when i have taken this step against a guy it took me a month to think,decide and fight so i really prepared myself because when u love a person you really cant think bad, but i thought even the guy loved me once and was madly in love with me and later have hurt me to the core when he never thought about me and gave me pain so why am i thinking so much about him but there might be lots n lots of female who are weak and might get away or might not take that torture and abusive language and might not take action against anyone who ever comes in contact with these kind of animals.
But for me is if sum1 hurts you so he or she should suffer equally wen it was gala days like in the beginning so we both were part to it equally and those rosy days i was happy because of him and he was happy because of me and wen its time to suffer in pain because of same person so why suffer alone isn’t it as he i was future life partner for him and daughter in law for parents these were the words given by his parents and him
I was there to love him and respect him and his family so till the time they were giving me love ,care,and respect i gave double the amount so its always give an take its with every one small kid to elderly person I am not a saint or god that i forgive just because i loved him i was not in relationship for sacrifice i love him still but why me sacrifice, there are people who are so gr8 person who can have a kick and sit in a room an cry an watch the same guy moving on with sum other girl.
In my case they backed out and denied in the ground of my religion as he was Muslim and me Punjabi, of age as he was younger to me,my past as i have been married before and have a daughter,and said they wont be able to face society that means FRIENDS AND RELATIVES,that’s what society is i guess these were the ground before,and after when the case got registered they calling me whore and what not.I have never seen these type of elderly person can ever harm or can ever be part of there son game and can have so much of money hunger in them that even they had a big hand in exploiting and ruining ma life i have not even heard.
DJ RADZApril 22, 2010 at 12:34 pmReply

DJ RADZ>>> Now what i feel like doing is send media at there place and ask them If i was prostitute,characterless girl, i was elder to him,i have a daughter, i am not from there region and a whore for them and just because they failed to take me out of the whorehouse that’s what i have been hearing from them OK i cant change anybodies thinking but then
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THEM>>> where was this thinking when i was feeding them people, and taking care of their needs and demands financially from food to clothing and lot many things by selling my body and filling their house by my money, he and his family why dint they get away? why were they so happy when i was giving them financial support and they knowingly that how a prostitute manages to get money to feed their family where was this thinking before?or it got changed when i zipped my pocket for those people.Did i get converted into Punjabi girl now ?Did i delivered a baby girl now as they saying that i never told them about my daughter or they to know my age now, if i am a whore that’s what they call me now,is it allowed to rape a female if she is a prostitute?Is it written in law that the guy can just rape a prostitute?is it a legal concept to rape a prostitute? I know this is one side story which i have described here but trust me each word of mine is very real and very very true not a single word is made i wish you people would have been with me in the court because it was so obvious and was very simple to know the truth as they had nothing to say and prove what all was behind it so again n again his lawyer was putting his energy on these words saying that >>THE GIRL I MEAN THAT’S ME IS BIG IN AGE AND HAVE A MARRIAGEABLE DAUGHTER AND THE GUY IS QUITE YOUNG AND I NEVER TOLD THEM ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND THE GUY AND GIRL WAS JUST GOOD FRIENDS NOTHING MORE THEN THAT AND WHEN GUY CAME TO KNOW ABOUT THE FACTS HE MOVED AWAY FROM HER BUT THEN THE GIRL STARTED BLACKMAILING THE GUY TO GET MARRIED OR GIVE 10LAKH OF RUPEES AND WHEN GUY DID NOT AGREED FOR BOTH THE THINGS THE GIRL GOT THE CASE REGISTERED. THESE WERE THE STATEMENT WHAT THEY GAVE EVERY TIME AND THEY HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY.
Why society and religion now we should go and ask that family for last 3years were they not aware of my religion and was there no people around whom they call a society they were pretty well aware of the tricks which button to press to get what they want isn’t it and ask them what do they have to give me actually nothing the family who was depend on me for everything what can they give, u might be thinking may be the guy is rich and i want money no dear they were fukras rather then taking i was giving them financial support and biggest thing is seeing the evidences which i have with me and which proves every thing from my age, my past, my daughter, regarding marriage proposal from them each bit of them i have it with date and time.BUT HATS-OFF TO THAT FAMILY WHO IS AWARE OF THE EVIDENCES WHAT ALL I HAVE BUT STILL HAD COURAGE TO LIE EVERY SECOND.
DJ RADZApril 22, 2010 at 1:06 pmReply

DJ RADZ>>>I am not here to gain sympathy or anything its just as i dont discuss my personal things among my friends i really feel like taking that frustration out to feel lite as its just me and my daughter no1 else and reading all of your comments it gave me more strength and more confidence now i know i am not alone. Just need suggestion as in now its almost 2months the guy is still behind the bar and my case got registered in south Delhi but since got case registered i have faced 100 of things even from police who had been supporting the guy i myself saw them supporting them and still facing so many problems i have complaint many a times and have mailed my complaint from ACP TO DCP ,VIGILANCE AND TRIED TO APPROACH SENIOR OFFICERS REGARDING MY COMPLAINT BUT THERE HAD BEEN NO ACTION YET AS IN MY COMPLAINT LETTER I HAVE MENTIONED EVERY DETAIL OF MINE REGARDING THE POLICE WHERE MY CASE IS REGISTERED,I DON’T FIND ANYTHING SAFE THERE AND I WANTED MY CASE TO GET TRANSFERED TO WOMEN CELL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY INCIDENCES REGARDING MY CASE WHERE I FELT SOMETHING BIG IS WRONG I HAVE NO TRUST ON THAT PARTICULAR POLICE STATION .WHAT DO I DO WHERE DO I GO HOW CAN I GET MY CASE TRANSFERED TO WOMEN CELL WHERE ONLY WOMEN’S ARE WORKING AS MY DAUGHTER STATEMENT IS ALSO A PART OF MY CASE IT FEELS SO AWKWARD TO FACE MALE POLICE KINDLY HELP ME.
AND SENDING MEDIA AT THE GUY PLACE TO ASK HIS PARENTS WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT AND WITH FEW QUESTIONS OF MINE WILL IT BE RIGHT DECISION TO DO?????? AND IF YES THEN HOW TO GO ABOUT IT.
AnirMay 1, 2010 at 7:39 amReply

Difficult , given the social and cultural fabric of India and also the hypocrisy, stigma and guilt we carry on about premarital sex. He spent lot of time with you, in the end disliked and dumped you. You couldn’t swallow the insult of being treated like a wh’r and had him behind bars. Justice is delivered. Period. Your kid was spared the trauma of watching parents fight like animals after marriage. In many 498a cases boys family go behind bars after a forced marriage. He spoke his mind and you defended your pride…. isn’t that what life is about today? An eye for an eye. Best of luck and wish you put this behind and move along.
MathildaSeptember 18, 2010 at 7:37 amReply

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Outdoor Water FeaturesSeptember 24, 2010 at 7:30 amReply

Hey, wanted to say this is a great post and i enjoyed the read, thanks.
dou nomeMarch 19, 2011 at 11:34 amReply

Hey, thanks for posting such a topic which shows the cruelty commited by men to women in our society so frequently. But very few women like you dare to make a point to protest openly. generally, women are scared to open their mouth to restore their reputation or their helping hands and their near circle of friends and relatives. coz all victims are nt self sufficient financially like you, so they continue carrying forward the burden of such a mental trauma , pain all their life long. moreover they are nt aware of the law, they fear if they go register a case about the past happening and many cases there is no proof , the the case can take a u turn showing the victim guilty. becoz most of the time in such cases , the accused are from rich and powerful family having great hold on our administrative system.
so the accused are very much confident that the middle class victim will try for only a safe survival , never can complain.
There are many like you. But I feel proud of you that you have taken a such smart action by sending him behiund the bars.
I personally want to more about the case. what is the present status?
I want to know more as because my best friend also faced the same thing, could do nothing for her daughter’s shake. for a woman who is nt totally independent financially, she had to compromise by everything within her heart only to bring up her daughter with good care and sound mentality. But thats what these cheaters wants , so they target the woman in distress with a child, so that afterwards woman cant do anything. in My friends case, the person recently got married , and posted marraige pics and so so to make his own image. same like ur story here also the family knew all thing , but denied and played a grate game of politics.

so I was searching for a topic,to know what to do , even in future if my friend could make her mind to register a complain.
please u let me know.
I remain thankful to u
JasJanuary 20, 2012 at 7:16 pmReply

Great. GOD will be always with you. Now he is behind bars because you are true person. GOD is always with the ppl like you. You are inspiration for all girls.

Now a days I am also facing same problem. I want to contact you. I need you advice. Please help me. How can I contact you? I am in depression.
- rApril 23, 2012 at 5:22 amReply
  
  hi jas u cn leave ur email id or watever coz i dnt knw hw2 contact u 2advice u its public page