“May your husband live a 100 years!”
As somebody who has serious ideological issues with even the word “widow” (as it defines a women in terms of her husband (or his death)), South Indian customs towards widows come as both interesting (from a purely academic point of view) and shocking (from a feminist point of view).
In the days of yore, widows were cruelly pushed to death through the pan-Indian custom of Sati. While this horrific practice came to an end in early 19th century, widows lived under the most demeaning conditions. The term amangali, roughly translating to inauspicious, is used to describe widows and widowhood in general.
Widows were doomed to a life of misery, never being allowed to participate in public life, ripped of anything considered cosmetic including bindi/ pottu, sindhoor, mangal sutra/ thaali, all jewellery and all tangible other signs of a married woman. Among the ‘upper castes’, the practice of shaving the head was common. This treatment was particularly prevalent in the era of child marriages, so girls as young as 8 or 9 who were married to older men led half ascetic lives for the rest of their existences.
A still from Deepa Mehta's movie, Water (2005), on young widows in the pre-independence period
For years, popular culture in India reflected (and in many cases continue to reflect) the widow as a plain looking sorry figure wrapped around in a white saree wearing only ash (vibhoothi) and/or turmeric (chandan) on the forehead ( as these are traditionally what men wear as well).
Today, much has changed. Remarriages are common, financially independent women get on with their lives and at least in urban circles, women who have lost their husbands move about freely in the outside world.
However, ritualistically, widows are still considered ill-omened. “May your husband live a hundred years,” is a common blessing to give to a married woman. During the solemnization of marriage, 108 years is sought for the bride and 120 for the groom, because “it is an honour for the wife to die before the husband”.
Sumangali Prarthanai is a common custom among Tamil Brahmins that pays homage to the departed soul of a sumangali (a married woman whose husband is alive) in the family. It is often conducted before or after an auspicious event like a wedding, where the new bride invokes blessings from the dead sumangali so that the “fortune of dying a sumangali” is passed on to her. The proceedings of the Sumangali Prarthanai involves giving gifts that may include sarees and jewellery and a big feast to the daughters of the clan. The seating order and the number/quality of gifts given, in some families, depend on the number of boys a woman mothers. Women with daughters come next in the pecking order, and in many cases childless women are not even invited. While the subtle practices and traditions vary from family to family, the underlying ethos behind these rituals, that are held up even by highly educated and upwardly mobile families are extremely parochial and archaic.
The ritual of Sumangali Prarthanai
As enumerated above, the condition of women who have lost their husbands have dramatically improved in India with time. Often, the exclusion of widows is not performed purposely but as a mere follow up of ancient rituals and customs. With realisation dawning with mixing of culture and evolution of lifestyles and thinking processes, I don’t see why we can’t unlearn some of our customs and why the rituals and prayers that we perform so dutifully and passionately can’t be more inclusive and gender sensitive.
Tagged #16DOT, 16 days of activism, 16 Days of Tweetism, activism, hindu rituals, Marriage, widowhood, women
Share this:
sidhantDecember 6, 2010 at 2:25 am
Nice post, but I didn’t like how you started the article. Do you also have ideological issues with the word “widower”?
Padmini NatarajanDecember 6, 2010 at 6:30 am
It is indeed an aberation that things that a girl wears from childhood like bindi, flowers, turmeric, kumkum, bangles are denied to her when her husband dies!! She should have been allowed to wear these things logically. The fact is that she was made to look ugly so that ‘she should not attract leers from other men’. The fault of such amorous looks was placed at her door!! It still continues when women who are abused, raped or eve teased are blamed for having attracted male attention. SAD.
The only thing that she gets from her husband is a mangalsutra–that she can remove if she wants to. In the West people continue to wear the wedding ring even after the partner’s death.
Even among Muslims a girl who is widowed is not allowed to meet any male member–even her father and brother–until she has her first period after her husband’s death or 90 days. This is to make sure that if she is pregnant, then the child is legitimately her husband’s.
A woman’s word is still suspect. The proof of her accusations against any man and her legitimate demands have to be scientifically proved. If a man blames his wife of infidelity, that is accepted as true.
The tragedy is that a woman’s accuser or perpetrator of injustice and ignominy are other women.
Thanks Hamsini for this great article.
RESULTS: Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards – 2011 | The Life and Times of an Indian HomemakerDecember 26, 2011 at 11:06 am
[...] “May your husband live a 100 years!” – Hamsini Ravi [...]
The Idea MonkDecember 28, 2011 at 9:43 am
Well written Hamsini. Valid thoughts.
The greatness of Sanatana Dharma is its ability to adapt to the changing times, to cope up with the vision of the generation that it is catering to. Any custom would have made ‘real’ sense at that particular point of time to that particular set of people.
Our culture definitely has the flexibility, and I think it is in our hands now to lead it in the right direction with a clear understanding of the goals of the Dharma. As Chinmaya puts it clearly – Introspect daily, detect diligently, negate ruthlessly, substitute wisely and grow steadily. So we can and we should negate the unwanted customs from our culture ruthlessly and substitute with wiser ways that would make ‘sense’ for this generation.
dharmabumJanuary 2, 2012 at 5:08 am
its cruel from any which pov