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[Awareness] Love Should Not Hurt

          If you thought domestic violence only meant ‘A husband beating his wife’ then you are mistaken. You’d be surprised to know what constitutes Domestic Violence.

          Women are at a greater risk of violence at home than on the street. Often times it is overlooked, excused, or denied. Domestic violence and abuse is used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over the victim.

          What is ‘Domestic Violence’?

          It is a crime most often committed by men against women and children and means repeated acts of abuse by a spouse or an intimate partner (wife, husband, de facto spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, straight or gay). It causes physical, sexual or psychological damage that forces a woman to live in fear.

          Domestic Violence can take on the following forms:

          Physical abuse – use of physical force.
          Sexual abuse – forced sexual activity.
          Emotional abuse – threats, constant criticism and put-downs.
          Economic abuse – controlling access or deprivation of finances.

          What is ‘physical abuse’?

          Physical abuse is conduct that causes bodily pain, harm or danger to life. It is also abuse that impairs the health or development of the victim and includes assault, criminal intimidation and force. It can lead to being physically and mentally impaired and eventually to death. Some examples of physical violence are

          Pushing and shoving
          Using a weapon

          Are you aware of ‘economic abuse’?

          In some cases, by law, order of the court or because of the domestic relationship and dependency, the victim and her children are supposed to be given an allowance .When you deprive someone of the economic or financial resources that they are entitled to, it is termed as economic abuse.

          Household items
          Monthly allowance to run the house
          Being prevented from getting or keeping a job
          Accountability of every rupee spent…be it from her own salary
          Stealing from the bank account on a regular basis
          Property jointly or separately owned by the victim
          Assets whether movable or immovable
          Property in which the victim has a vested interest.

          What about ‘emotional abuse‘?

          No one should live in fear of the person they love. Tactics meant to humiliate, intimidate and terrorize the victim can be termed as emotional abuse. Whoever came up with the phrase “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt” is absolutely nuts. This form of abuse may not hurt you physically, but it creates an atmosphere of fear and destroys you from within. It takes away your feelings of self-worth and independence. Victims tend to withdraw from others, so slowly that they don’t realize it, until they become even more dependent upon the abuser.

          Verbal abuse
          Isolation and refusing to let the woman see her friends or family
          Preventing communication with others via the phone or email
          No permission to leave the house
          Open infidelity
          Mind games
          Insulting in public
          Smashing things, or ripping or burning the victims clothes
          Feelings of guilt and shame
          Name calling
          Making the victim think she has a mental problem
          Threatening to take or kill the children

          Are you well informed about ‘sexual abuse‘?

          Sexual abuse is always the fault of the abuser. It can range from unwanted sexual gestures to forcing someone to perform sexual activities against their will.

          Violation of MOUTH, genitals, breasts, or ANUS
          Forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts against your will
          RAPE by the HUSBAND
          Forcing you to watch pornographic material be it with humans or animals.
          Unsafe and degrading sexual activity
          Aggression and violence during sex

          After reading this article, if you find that you are in an abusive relationship, please acknowledge the abuse, develop a plan to keep yourself safe and seek HELP immediately.

          If you are not in an abusive relationship then PLEASE offer to be that HELP. There is no point being a woman when you cannot help another in distress. Isolation and lack of social support makes the victim increasingly vulnerable to the abuser.

          This is the the first in a series of articles on Domestic Violence. Like I mentioned D.V. is not just about beating. There are many aspects to it and people need to know and realize what they are up against. My next article with be an in depth analysis on each kind of abuse and then how to identify and see the signs of abuse in your own life, no matter how subtle the acts. I will also give you an idea of the laws that govern D.V. and explain the entire process when it comes to filing an N.C. and a real F.I.R. Yup a REAL F.I.R!

          This post has been republished with the permission from the author, Christina Lobo Jha. You’ll find more of Christina’s work and her series on domestic violence over at her blog: Christina’s Corner


          12 Responses to [Awareness] Love Should Not Hurt

          1. its a knowledgeable article, most of the people think that DV is limited only to the physical, sexual abuse and ignore the other aspects, but as time passes by it engulf u entirely..

          2. A loved one of mine is involved in an abusive relationship. married to an abuser and surviving a domestic violence situation for almost 12 years now and what is so painful is that she has been completely isolated from us, other family members and even friends who know of her situation and are ready to help. I happened to read about this spousal abuse syndrome, which is similar to the stockholm syndrome, whereby the victim finds it difficult to detach from the abuser and gets into a traumatic bonding. this is her case now and our attempt to rescue her failed despite coming to know openly about all the abuse she was facing. she was being threatened constantly by her husband and her mother in law, who is a witness to all her son’s abusive activities and constantly offers him support to isolate her to such an extent that she has been islotated even from her own children. all other family members like sister in law or brother in law are just covering things up for this psychopathic abuser. Our helplessness sometimes is too frustrating. but i feel there are so many others like us , unable to rescue our loved ones from such abusers. I would like to help in whatever way i can . your article exactly points out all that she has been put through and clearly explains a domestic violence situation. looking forward to more of your articles. knowledge gives us the power to handle any situation and i think more information on this will surely be helpful.thanks.

          3. I married in Feb 2012, My husband is pursuing PG in Merchandising and it is near to complete. I am aslo diploma holder in fashio desigining did after my 12th.And want to do something good in my professional career.
            Many times my husband comment shout on me very loudly, abouse me, stair me, put many negative comments, and avoid me take with him when he visit at a temple , market etc.

            I always want to care him but he dont want to care me. He said LADKI HO LADKI KI TARAH SE GHAR KA SARA KAAM BHI KARO AUR STUDY BHI. MAIN KISI KAAM MEIN KUCHH SUPPORT NAHI KAR SAKTA.

            And also compel me for unwanted sextual act, and pull my here and pinch on my cheek and ear.

            In such i am very fear from him and his behaviour with me. What i should do in such . i feel i am in trouble so please help me and consult me .

            Garima Mishra -23 yrs
            Dev Nagar,
            Karol Bagh
            New Delhi

          4. Hi, I have a female friend of mine who is emotionally and economically abused by her husband for the first 2 years of their marriage. They have a girl kid now and the husband is not coming home to her for the last 4 months. When the girls parents contacted the husbands home, they say that he is not coming to their home also. He keeps sending her occasional emails which irritates her. He will not respond to her when she send emails him asking him to come back. They lodged a complaint with the police and they said that they are unable to track the guy, so they cannot do nothing much about it. They approached a lawyer and response was same. They cannot move forward without tracking the guy. And the guy never contacts her on phone. Now, my question is will she continue to suffer like this for the rest of her life? Is there not any place where complaint can be registered and RESPONSIBLE action can be expected? Or is it all ending with the colourful campaigns. Please, i need a response for this.

            • Hi vinay
              Your friend does not have to continue to suffer if she has decided to part ways. All she needs to do is contact a divorce attorney and file for a divorce under the condition that her husband is absconding. Registered letters will be sent across to his permanent address, advertisements will be made very discretely in the local news paper and hearing in the court. If her husband does not respond to either, then the court will grant her a divorce. please ask her to keep those emails that she sent to him safe as they are proof that she tried to contact him.
              Hope this works for your friend.

          5. I am married for 10 years with 2 kids one 5 years daugther and son of 3 years ..My husband is been constantly abusing me emotionally and comparing me with his sister …Iam working lady and today after a lot of physical and emotional abuse from my husband and sister in laws he forced me out of the house . My husband used to transfer all my salary into his account and never had single deposits in my name …i had to beg him for money and apart from this I had to look after his aged mother ,my kids do night shifts and run the house and his mother was against keeping the servants ..they dont like even my parents visiting the house ..after doing all these I had to walk out of the house with the small kids without anything in hand .Today its a month he never enquired how his children are …I still love the man and hoping he comes back to me and children and be a loving husband and father …Iam not interested in filing a divorce or polce case as i know he can got any extent to insult me which he is doing so far very diligently..i dont know what to do ..I miss him there is lof of empty air ..but seems like lot of emotional burden is out ..probably time can heal the wounds ..But not sure whether my husband will change

          6. Its a cursed society we are living in and though we do love and care for our spouses yet, its really hard to find a true man who behaves like a human. Maybe directly or indirectly it seems we women are meant to be hurt or to live with a broken heart having no complaints.
            I have a daughter too and am really scared about what sociological environment we are going to give her in future?
            Will they get a torture and harassment free life?

          7. I am a mother of an 18 year old girl, been married for 21 years and being of 39+ still every moment of my life I feel scared to trust my husband who’s been cheating on me several times.

            I always try to believe him on his plea and he keeps on cheating and doing the same on and on.
            Its like I don’t know what to do where to go or how to seek help because its again a question of our social status and the future of my daughter plus our joint family prestige.
            But who cares if my mental condition is getting worse every day, I feel every bit of me dying each day I am living and breathing and every time I pray to god,its to let me breath and live only till my daughter is settled down in her life not a single day more than it.

            Friends its not that am not an optimistic but, I feel very disgusted to lead such a life only because we women are responsible for dignity,prestige or whatsoever and men are free of any such inhibitions.

            My mother says be patient where can he go one day he has to come back to you so wait for the day but I want to know why do we have to wait for him when he keeps ditching and going with other women, then why do we have to wait for such husband ? Why can’t we have a peaceful life with our children instead of a humiliation of taking him back and accepting all the pain he has been giving us by breaking our heart?

            can anyone answer please?

          8. hi,
            I was in an abusive relationship for five long years and it included all of the above, economic, physical and emotional. During those years I was not very proud of myself as I had allowed somebody I cared for to abuse me in this inhuman fashion. To know that I was an educated and career oriented person and still accept this kind of violence , made me feel ashamed of myself. I was alienated from family and friends and was in a foreign land with no means of support.
            Today after seven years I can say that I became strong, fought the system, left that man, started a career and life from scratch and am extremely proud of myself.
            I would like to extend my support to women who are in a similar situation. if I can help just one person, I would know that I have made my contribution to society.
            Friends you need to love yourself before you can start loving another person

            • Hii,
              I am also going through a horrible…situation…i got married first at the age of from a vry small town it was a early ex-husband was involved with a called ‘muhaboli bahan’.i cought them redhanded in uncompromising state.still i ws trying my best to bring the things normal as i loved him like anything and had my daughter of 2-3months,but after 1.5 yrs of marriage time,one day he left me at my home by saying that he will be back to pick. the day i told evrything to my parents..they supported me..and didnt send me back there..i mean called those people to discuss the matter but nobody came.
              i was 12th pass that time..(i was doin B.Sc 2nd yr but left as he didnt supported me for the same).
              after that time i was in trauma coz he took my daughter with him…i survived …..dnt know how…

              After all that I STARTED MY STUDY AGAIN(even not remember the spelling of “will” n “shall”).I got selected in enterence test of diploma engineering..i completed my diploma electronics with 87%,7th rank in merit list. then got selected for B.Tech from a reputed goverment college…got selected in PSU but got cancelled coz of exceeding age.
              I started working in private sector.then got married to my present husband thriugh sm matrimony sites.
              now i am in trouble from last 3.5yrs..he is like…a feeling attraction….nothing..
              he alwys abusees me…he is like a psychic..all the time aggression..tension…shouting..i am literally verbally abused by him all the time..i am jst a toy to play for 10mins..and a servant to maintain the etc..he is a money minded person..he absuses to my parents..brothers too mh…comment on their financial situation..
              my in laws has shifted wid us since last yr….they too dont say him anything for his this behavior…although he doesnt behave good with them too..ant they r upset but..for my matter they favor him….when i conceived my daughter…they force me to leave the job…even my hubby blamed me too for going for job…and finally i hv to leave the job.
              but now he mentally tourchers me for not being working…he says vry mh untolerable words/things…
              i m dieing day by day…loosing my confidence..self esteem…desire to live…
              i jst cry to die..vry painfull to bear all this after 10yrs of hard work for studies to live in a hope of better life.
              i was so smart,update,attractive…..lots of ppl use to appreciate…but this person alwys…criticise me…every time…he dont like my way of speaking,my movement…my laughter…he evrytime….harass copying me…he behaves as i am an animal/ a dog.
              plz guide me…what should i do…how may i make the things right….
              he has a big social fear..police fear..
              how may i create it on him…

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